Everybody will experience loneliness at some point in their lifetime, and most can relate to the experience, but what is actual loneliness?
Professionals that specialise in the human condition have put a lot of research into this state of being, and concluded that loneliness is not just being alone, but a state of mind, rather than a situation.
The major finding from these studies was the often overlooked fact about loneliness; It is not a circumstance, but a feeling.
In the world-changing pandemic of 2020, many thousands, if not millions of people would certainly have experienced a sense of loneliness, whether in lockdown with their loved ones, or isolating alone.
Strangely enough, solitude is not needed for loneliness to materialise, you can be surrounded by people and experience feelings of being lonely. By the same token, you can be alone and feel perfectly at ease, making both of these situations “subjective” experiences.
A scale for measuring loneliness was developed in UCLA in 1980 (Russell, Peplau & Cutrona), asking questions such as “How often do you feel that you lack companionship?” And “How often do you feel left out?”, which gives a fairly accurate indication of how lonely a person is. The questions themselves not revolving around circumstances or situations concludes that loneliness is not always about being physically alone, it is more about subjective feelings of isolation and disconnectedness from others.
The BBC conducted a survey in 2019 (Qualter, et al) asking participants what loneliness meant to them. The most common answers were;
- Feeling disconnected to the world
- Feeling left out
- Sadness
- Not feeling understood
A preoccupation with feelings rather than situations, again confirming the internal nature of loneliness.
The three different types of loneliness people can experience are;
Situational loneliness; Occurring through life events such as emigration, moving away from a social group through conflict or exclusion, or differing work schedules
Developmental loneliness; We humans are hard-wired for connection, if this need is not met in childhood, the person may carry feelings of loneliness with them throughout their life. A turbulent or unstable upbringing can impact young people in not building strong connections with others, causing this effect on them
Internal loneliness; This is purely the perception of being alone-whether that be fact or not. People with low self-esteem or anxiety conditions often experience this, as they can feel unwelcome or excluded from social networks.
All of these types of loneliness can be transient (brief and temporary) or chronic (constant and long-lasting) Regardless of type, every single person has dipped their toes in the cold pool of loneliness at some point in their life, a universal experience that says something fundamental about the human psyche.
Loneliness can be difficult to manage, impacting the mental health with feelings of sadness, anger, frustration, and being out-of-control. The lonelier someone feels, the more it influences their moods, and can cloud hope in imagining a future for themselves.
Being largely an internal, subjective experience, the role our mind plays should not be underestimated, and suggests a way forward in tackling loneliness.
”Cognitive biases” are something we all carry; A set of mental shortcuts that result in errors in thinking and judgement, contributing to irrational decision-making. They allow us to perceive certain information as reliable or true, even when there is little to no real-life evidence to support our suppositions, and can greatly exacerbate feelings of loneliness.
Understanding these biases, and how they may contribute to loneliness, can be instrumental in coping with these feelings.
(1) CONFIRMATION BIAS; This involves paying attention to information that supports existing preconceptions. For example, if your loneliness is because you hold the belief that nobody wants to be around you, you may be Uber-sensitive to social cues that seem to support this (EG; Joan didn’t want to go to the movies last weekend) whether true or not.
(2) SELF-SERVING BIAS; This is a tendency to connect positive outcomes with internal or personal factors, and negative outcomes to external or situational factors. For example, if you feel lonely within your social network and feel it is because you are unlikeable, then you experience rejection from someone you attempt to approach (that may be having an “off” night, or pre-occupied with something else) you may decide their rejection is because you are “unlikeable”, even though you only decide this after the exchange.
(3) ANCHORING BIAS; This involves relying on the first piece of information you encounter about a topic. For example, if you are generally anxious, and enter a situation where nobody stops their interaction/conversation to explicitly greet you, this first impression tells you that nobody likes you, wants you there, or cares about you one way or another, and any evidence otherwise is ignored.
Although highly irrational, it is easy to understand why this thinking happens. These biases are common to all of us-how many times have you thought “Well, I got the complete wrong end of the stick there!”? And having them does NOT make anyone less mentally stable than the rest of us!
Learning to identify and tackle them when they appear can be the first step in dismantling feelings of loneliness. Ways to overcome cognitive biases include;
- Tune into your thought processes by simply observing the stream of thoughts that pass through your mind, and becoming aware of when you are thinking in a way that might be detrimental to your overall wellbeing
- Ask yourself whether the information/idea/belief is reasonable (ie; based on logical facts)
- Think about what else could have contributed to your situation, and whether it may have been relevant in any way
- Try to think about other explanations for why the person rejected you, that don’t involve you being “unlikeable” (we’re not always privvy to what someone has going on for them, even when socialising)
Practical behaviours can also alleviate loneliness and increase feelings of connectedness and wellbeing.
EXERCISE—The physical and mental health benefits of getting away from both work and leisure screens are well documented, especially when connecting with others. It doesn’t have to be spin classes or pumping iron in a gym, joining a walking or basic exercise group can be a game changer.
SOCIALISING– This may sound a no-brainer in tackling loneliness, but the lonely are more likely to fall into a pattern of isolating themselves. Being in company you enjoy, especially face-to-face interactions, is proven to take your mind off your own issues and insecurities, and generally “up” your mood.
VOLUNTEERING-Getting involved with helping others can have a multi-faceted effect on loneliness. Being part of an organisation that makes a difference to peoples lives, as well as connection with like-minded people and belonging to that community. Research has found that people who help others tend to have a greater sense of meaning in their lives.
CENTRING THROUGH NATURE-Just being outside can be a simple way of addressing loneliness. University of NSW research shows that people spending time in nature experience less loneliness than those who do not, even a walk through the park can be uplifting (Greiling, 2016). Urban settings can lack trees or green spaces, and these are an essential part of natural environments.
SOCIAL MEDIA– This is a bit of a mixed bag in dealing with the loneliness issue-most will have heard of overseas or domestic scamming, “Phishing” or “Cat-fishing” is directed at everyone who uses social media. The largest group of people who get burned through these despicable “hooks” are, you’ve guessed correctly, the lonely, who are the most vulnerable.
Most of us feel the need for human contact (the scene in “Frankenstien” where the monster is hiding out in the woods and tries to befriend the blind man could bring tears to a glass eye!) and it is that vulnerability that can be a lead-in for the scammers. The older population, mostly women, who are widowed or alone after raising a family, can feel flattered by an attractive stranger reaching out and wanting an intimate connection with them, sometimes finding the prospect of an exciting relationship, even a “virtual” one, hard to resist.
The up-side of this medium can be making connections with people or groups who really “get” you, from your cultural background for example (that you don’t have to explain the joke three times to….) or, a genre of movies/music/art or food. Facebook has many pages that people from every walk of life with interests from historic art memes to xylophone lessons and everything in between are active on. Of course, scammers target these pages too, it is a matter of being vigilant, going with your gut-instinct, having a friend look over something that seems too good to be true, and never, EVER giving your bank or personal details to anyone online. There are plenty of cranks and “keyboard warriors” who love to have their pointless point of view aired, anonymously, of course….they would never voice their outrageous opinions in person, BUT! You can opt out of any group, at any point, with the click of a button.
If you find yourself struggling with loneliness, try to take comfort from the fact that you are not truly alone. Our world is full of lonely people, trying to deal with this very difficult state of being.
Because it is a subjective experience, it can be hard to cope with-sometimes it’s not enough just to be around other people.
By connecting with others, or yourself in a deeper way (as mentioned earlier in questioning these biases) you can gradually work to eradicate this experience, and adopt a genuine sense of wellbeing into your life.
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