Some will not know the next line of this song, written in 1962 by Charles Strouse; it goes “Put on a happy face!” Rod & Todd from “The Simpsons” white-knuckled through a rendition of it when the family Flanders had to go live in their car…
Toxic positivity is the pressure to display only positive emotions, while suppressing any negative feelings, reactions or emotions.
These days, we are subjected to an endless bombardment of “Stay positive” quotes, particularly through social media platforms, which are designed to shield us from the equally aggressive glut of negative news and social media toxicity, but in pushing the positive affirmations of “Things could be worse!” quotes, the concept can steamroller over the real, and sometimes painful experiences of the people it’s aimed at.
This level of invalidation can bring it’s own trauma. The dismissive nature of toxic positivity is ultimately a form of Gaslighting, the term used when someone causes you to question your own sense of reality.
This can impact people in dissociating themselves from the negative feelings, rationalise unacceptable experiences, and even go on to gaslight others.
Having a positive outlook or attitude can be beneficial to our mental health and wellbeing, but when “putting a brave face on it” becomes a threat to our identity, it directly affects and negatively impacts those same aspects of self.
Every feeling on The emotional wheel is connected in some way to survival, and when we suppress or ignore what our feelings are trying to communicate to us, we become less able, as well as less motivated, in utilising the information to solve problems. If we buy into the adage “It’s all what we make of it” then we are less likely to believe in our ability or need to seek a solution, lowering our self-efficacy.
Suppressing emotions produces a stressful effect on the body.
In her blog around toxic positivity in the workplace, Allaya Cooks-Campbell, B.A, cited a study that split participants into two groups, and had them watch an emotionally-provoking film. The group instructed to suppress their feelings showed a higher heart rate than those who could react at will. Over time, continual suppression of emotions impacts the body with physical and psychological effects. It can also be exhausting, and invalidating to our human experience, which can develop into trauma, isolation, and utilising unhealthy coping mechanisms.
Toxic positivity can happen interpersonally, or within a culture or organisation (Think of the “Keep calm and carry on” campaign that produced the British “Blitz spirit” in 1939) . When leaders push the idea of staying positive, no matter what, it can become the go-to within that outfit. You may recognise the following affirmations that appear on workplace walls, as screensavers, or even coffee mugs “Everything is fine!” “Only positive vibes here!” and a range of others that will make your amalgam fillings sing.
If the phrases “They’re just a negative Nelly” or “It’s better here than other places” crop up regularly, then toxic positivity may be at play. If there are company culture issues, it is NOT enough to rationalise that it could be worse, this practice minimises the experience of underrepresented groups, and stems any progress towards better outcomes.
Toxic positivity can be insidious, particularly in organisations where there is a lot of pressure to perform, or KPI’s to hit. As co-workers, we can practice empathy for our colleagues and their circumstance, instead of judging someone who’s not feeling positive, (as per company policy!) It’s important to acknowledge that others may not have the same coping skills as us.
The same regard should be shown to ourselves when we’re not in a good place; Talk to yourself as you would to someone you love and care about!
We’d all like to feel constantly positive and optimistic, but it is unrealistic to expect ourselves or others to hold this disposition all of the time. Life can be fractious, and making space for ourselves and our feelings (even the not-so-nice ones) helps us build emotional regulation skills, and that can only help us uncover a healthier, more resilient self. As an added bonus, embracing our entire range of emotions allows us to better connect and empathise with others, fostering collaboration and mutual support in navigating our shared challenges.
Of course, some people find fault in everything, but where legitimate concerns regularly fall on deaf ears, or the “carry on, regardless!” card is played, it indicates the environment is lacking in psychological safety. This leaves anyone who speaks up feeling isolated, unsure of themselves, and less likely to speak up for themselves or others in future.
Through insisting that people only feel part of their emotional experience, we are telling them that there’s something wrong with them for feeling otherwise, and in telling them to cover up painful or difficult emotions with a happy face implies their true feelings are unacceptable.
This can trigger guilt or shame for that person-which they now get to deal with on top of the negative experience.
If you were continually met with dismissive comments and blame when you confided your feelings to someone, how likely would you be to share them again?
“MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE, BEING SAFE WITH OTHER PEOPLE DEFINES MENTAL HEALTH. SAFE CONNECTIONS ARE FUNDAMENTAL TO MEANINGFUL AND SATISFYING LIVES”
Bessel A. Van der Kolk, author of “The body keeps the score: Brain, mind, and body in the Healing of Trauma”.
Whether in personal or work-related situations, we are likely to stop putting our hand up for support if we feel invalidated or unheard.
A positive attitude when faced with challenges or difficulty can be a situation changer, but pretending everything is fine when it clearly is not can be counter-productive. Downplaying negative feelings is actually an avoidance technique that prevents us from facing, and subsequently solving, the real problem.
If uncomfortable feelings come up, try to figure out what is at the root of them. Genuine positivity can be easier to maintain when a strategy for change is identified, and solving, rather than ignoring the issue will boost the self-esteem.
Healthy positivity acknowledges authentic emotions, as opposed to an either/or mindset, and holds that two opposing concepts can be true for those experiencing it: You may feel anxious at not being employed, but you can feel hopeful of finding a job.
Recognise toxic positivity messages; “Choose happiness!” “Turn that frown upside down!” (I had someone tell me during a bout of depression “I know someone who’s life is REALLY shit, you could be so much worse off!” Lucky the thought bubbles that appear over our heads are not visible when these gems are imparted…)
Yes, there is always somebody who is in a worse situation, but no difficulty was ever resolved by some well meaning, but misguided person trying to get you to “cheer up” or compare your lot to others in the moment. What makes positivity toxic is when it dismisses other genuine emotions- if the message is that positivity is the best or only way to go, then it’s problematic.
It’s good to talk, or write about how you feel. Accept whatever genuine feelings come up, and sit with them, they are just feelings. Then let them pass on their own. If you feel like discussing them, choose support over solicited advice.
A brain-imaging study at UCLA showed that putting feelings into words reduces the intensity of emotions such as sadness, anger and pain.
The pandemic of 2020 impacted our need to control and avoid uncertainty, most of us experienced feelings of loneliness, anxiety, and a real fear of getting sick, or losing a loved one to Covid 19.
This chapter in our history was responsible for a lot of entertaining, innovative, and sometimes downright outrageous social media content. Keyboard warriors and trolls came out of the woodwork in their thousands, “normalising” some antisocial, and even dangerous practices or fads (licking a toilet bowl for “likes”?!) or, the other end of the spectrum, donating to those more in need than us, or simply giving away Sourdough starter. With a lot of us in isolation at one point or other, we became exposed to the less becoming traits we humans tend to indulge in during times of change that affects us collectively. Bloggers, and particularly influencers, came into their own through the ill-wind that altered how we behaved as humans (think of the very small children with social anxiety; all they saw as babies were people with masks covering their faces).
As opposed to the “Pretend you’re happy when you’re blue” or “Smile (though you’re heart is aching) type songs of past depression eras, social media influencers promoted toxic positivity through posting only their best looks, most vigorous workouts, and apparently perfect lives.
Rarely do people post their faults/flaws or highlight their poor decision making, and as a result social media gives the impression that everyone is handling hard times better than you. This fosters a sense of loneliness, shame, embarrassment, and disconnection.
In reality, we all know someone on Facebook that looks to have it all together, or even an enviable life when compared to our own. I knew someone who’d posted “House all cleaned, hubster’s taken eldest for a daddy/son park outing, I’m making dinner with baby strapped to me while breastfeeding, eating chocolate, AND singing along to Michael Buble, dreading the boredom when baby goes down for her nap!” I was on the verge of telling her she could come and clean MY house if she was willing…..A friend called me later to say she’d called to “Doris Day’s” house that afternoon, and found her sleep-deprived, crying with mastitis cramps, and about to put her third wash of the day through, before calling her partner to tell him him to get takeaway for dinner.
It really saddened me that a young mother, trying to juggle the many balls family life brings, felt pressured into painting this picture that was so far from her reality to a virtual, social media audience she felt so judged by, and as a species, we all share the blame.
The wheel of life life turns for all of us; Nobody can stay up, anymore than constantly down, it is ever-moving. Identifying where we are within that movement, acknowledging the good and not-so-good times and emotions they bring us, is key in keeping us moving forward.
Count your blessings, certainly, but realise too, that it is OK to not always be OK.