Grieving the loss of a loved one can seem unbearable, not just in the early stages of bereavement when shock and disbelief are the predominant emotions for those affected by the loss.
Adjusting to the fact that we will never be in the company of that person again can be a form of torture. As the reality of loss sets in, panic can be followed by anxiety, dreadful sadness, and the agonised yearning for that loved one when realisation of the finality of their passing hits.
Concentrating can be exceptionally difficult, and an overwhelming confusion about what happens next. Anger plays a major role for the grief-stricken, and a sense of being “out of control” is quiet common, particularly following a sudden or violent passing.
Mary-Frances O’Connor, clinical psychologist and associate professor of psychology at the university of Arizona, studies what actually happens in our brains when we experience grief, particularly associated with bereavement.
She says that grieving is a form of learning- one that teaches us to how to be in the world without someone we love in it. O’Connor’s book “The grieving brain” highlights what scientists know about how our minds grapple with losing a loved one.
As anyone who has experienced grief will attest, it is an emotional state that can knock you off your feet, and swallow you like a tsunami.
Grieving is what happens when we adapt to the fact that our loved one is gone, and we are carrying their absence with us. Distinction between grief and grieving means grief being a natural reaction to loss- so we will feel grief forever. Someone losing a parent at an early age will experience that grief on their wedding day, or birth of their children, because it is a new moment where they are having a response to loss. Whereas, “grieving” means that our relationship with that grief changes over time.
Science has concluded that grief is tied to all manner of different brain functions we have, from memory recall to seeing things from another’s perspective, explaining why some grieving people can seem totally self-absorbed. Even things like regulating the heart, or perception and experience of pain and suffering are affected when grief is present.
The first 200 times people get sideswiped by grief it feels truly awful, earth-shattering, and unfamiliar. But, perhaps by the 201st time it hits, they can begin to think “Here comes this horrible feeling that I hate so much, and I just don’t want it to be true! But, I recognise it, and I do know that I’ll get through the wave”.
When knocked over by that wave of grief, most question “When will this end?” From research data, there are a small proportion of people who experience “Prolonged grief disorder” (formerly know as “Complicated grief” – the grief experience being ultimately complicated!) where professionals try to identify this in people after six months to a year post-loss who find it difficult to function on a daily basis as they wish they could.
Issues such as not being able to get out of bed, unable to make dinner for their children, or inability to listen to music that triggers debilitating emotional responses all point towards suggesting helpful intervention to get them back on some sort of healing path, where they will still experience grief, but can adapt to it in a different way.
Less than 10% actually experience prolonged grief disorder, meaning 90% experience difficult grief and suffering, but do not have a disorder following the loss of a loved one, it is important to highlight this because we do not want to hide grief away or “pathologise” it through psychiatry or therapy, except where that would be beneficial in getting the person back on track.
One prolonged-grief “complication” can be the rumination, or constant “Woulda-coulda-shoulda” thoughts that go round in circles inside the head of the sufferer. The problem with these “counterfactuals” is that they all end in a virtual scenario where the person doesn’t die, distorting reality, being counterproductive in helping them adapt to the pain of loss, and learning how to be in their new world.
Consider those who lost loved ones to Covid 19 while isolated in ICUs, hospital wards, emergency rooms, or residential care facilities, who could not be there to give or receive comfort during their loved one’s passing. This equates as people having no memories of witnessing their loved one becoming more ill and watching the physical changes that happen to a sick body, preparing us for the possibility of death. To undergo that type of process, void of those memories, makes it all the harder to learn what has happened, much less accomodate it’s sinking in that they are gone.
In intimate relationships, we have a sense of being bound to that other person. So, when the other person is gone, we suddenly have to learn a new set of rules for operating in the world.
The “we” in a relationship is as important as “you” and “me”, and the brain really does encode it in that way, so, when someone says “I feel like I’m missing a part of myself” after a loss, it makes absolute sense. The words “sibling” and “partner” evoke a sense of two people.
Listening to someone who is going through the awful, terrible process of losing a loved one, and consideration for where they are at in learning how to be in their new world, has greater benefits than trying to cheer them up or make them feel better.
Letting them know that you will be with them throughout their grieving experience, and that you can imagine a future for them where they are not being constantly battered by the waves of grief, can be the staff of support that helps them walk on their journey through grief.
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